Hosible

Hospible- as a little child would say hospital- came to me recently after Skott had a particularly bad seizure. He thought he was in hospital. I asked him if he knew who I was, he said I was the 'gerl doder'- Girl Doctor. He said he had been in hospital before and last time there was a 'boy' Doctor.

I told him he was in my home and that I was looking after him. I was later told that his name is Hosible because that's the first thing he said to me. He's only ever been out once before and that's' when he was taken to hospital. He's just three years old.

He went to hospital with rectum bleeding. How on earch his family, parents, ever missed such an obvious sign of abuse is such a mystery. Skott says that as a child he had ongoing bowel problems but they never figured it out.

I assured him he was safe now. That nothing was going to hurt him anymore and that I would look after him. He didn't like hospitals, he said, and I assured him that he would never have to go back to one because someone hurt him. He was safe now.

Two weeks later he came back again, unbidden. Skott had cut out an abscess at home and Hosible became aware of it. He thought I was operating on him. He thought I was hurting him. I was saddened that he would think that and tried quickly to assure him that we were trying to help the body, not hurt it. Still its horrific to know that anyone might be around, aware of what Skott if doing. We never know who might be hurt by what we do. We need to be so careful.

The First One

Primal is the first one. Skott always thought that meant the first split, the first personality to break off.

We learnt last night that, no, Primal means first as in the first personality EVER. The main one. The Prime one. He IS the core. We thought the core was lost.

Primal is two. He is a very scared, deeply traumatised personality. He was 'frozen' at two to prevent future harm and 'Old Scott' was created to take his pain and abuse. Old Scott grew up as the body did. Old Scott was bad. He was not created that way, but learnt to be over time with all the abuse he was subjected too.

Primal was locked away. A baby who sometimes cries and is scared of everyone except his nurse. The one who was created to care for him. No one is allowed near him and he is one of the most heavily protected in the system.

We thought it was because he was a baby. We now know its because he is the core.

Dell

Dell came last night. He was very upset. He told me the whole tale about why he was locked away by everyone, what he did. For a 9 year old boy, being locked away inside for so long was such a scary lonely experience. He was so traumatised by it. I understand why they did it- I understand the attention he might draw to everyone, but still, it seems like such a harsh judgement.

He broke down when he told me what happened. He was so sad, so incredibly sad. He can't help it that when he feels scared, he gets overcome with rage. And the poor little one is so terrified that it might happen again. He doesn't want it to, but he's terrified something might happen that will trigger his rage and cause him to be locked away again, this time forever.

It broke my heart so. He is such a scared little boy. Unable to help his own actions on things, he reminds me so much of my youngest son. He can't always help what he does either. Holding Dell, sobbing his heart out, terrified, broke me.

All I could do was assure him that I still loved him, that I still liked him and wanted to be his friend. That it didn't matter to me what he did, I knew he was a good boy and could, would be a good boy from here.

I hope it was the start of a letting go for him. Dell is such a troubled alter, so much pain, that I know he's been a problem for the system. I can only hope now that we've started something that will change things for him.

A New Name

He used to be known as Fear. A name I never really liked for someone who was only four. I remember Skott telling me that he loved the book "Where the Wild Things Are". When he came to see me the other night, all quiet and sore after a siezure, I held his sore hand and gently soothed it. He was no longer afraid of me, but lay quietly, not saying anything.

I've been trying to find a way to get through to this little one for a while. I've asked Seven before if he can help me, talk to him, tell him I am safe, I won't hurt him. Seven said he's been telling him that I am a good person. So when he came the other night, I wanted to find a way to reach him. I asked him if he would do me a favour, if he would let me give him a special name, one just for him and I. I asked if I could call him my special little Max, my little King of the Wild Things. He liked this and nodded his head yes.

Later, I found out from Skott that he decided this would be his new name for all time. That from now on, he wanted to be called Max, instead of Fear. I was so pleased to hear that, it's such a major step forward for him. All his life, all he has known is pain, misery, fear. Hence the name. Now, he is starting to learn that now is a new time. He is safe now. He can move on from the past of pain and hurt.

I hope its the first of many steps forward.